My Love

Elon, you are five today. I will always say this but I could not believe it. I wouldn’t say the time flew past me because I have been with you every day of those 5 years. I have cherished every single day even those ones that were not the best. We were never away from each other. I have watched you grow. I have watched you from being a tiny little thing to becoming this sensitive boy with a mix of your dad and I’s personalities. I have watched you from zero. And probably that’s why parents love their kids so much, right? Because they literally are witnessing a miracle everyday by experiencing their kids. God, you are my miracle.

I am so lucky and proud to be your parent, Elon. I cannot count the number of times you would do your own thing and entertain yourself while your dad and I rest and/or sleep. You try so hard to do things on your own and be independent so you can help us. But I am happy whenever you need me. I am happy to be there and help you. I like you needing me. Your independence, although good, sometimes makes me sad because it means you are slipping away from me.

You try to help me cook and watch Korean shows just so you can bond with me. You will come with me to shop even when it’s not really enjoyable for you while I peruse the dress section, only giving you some five minutes to look at toys. You would always be understanding and will always pre-empt the situation by saying that you will just look and not buy because our money is reserved for something else. You are my lovely boy always trying to be good while having this endless energy that somehow we always try to tame. Don’t listen to us. Don’t lose that energy, Elon. Always build, always learn. Always be kind and understanding. Those are gifts from the Lord to you.

Tonight as I write the second part of this post, you are sleeping soundly in your own bedroom. Wow, I did not expect that I would say “your own bedroom”. And I know a lot of parents sleep train their kids so they can eventually move to their own bedroom, but I had dreaded this day. This is probably why I am up, when usually we would be sleeping together in “mama’s bed”. I am up because I think about how you begged me to stay and sleep beside you. But I convinced myself that I need to do this to “train” you because by the time your sister arrives, you need to sleep on your bed while I take care of her. So that your sleep would not be interrupted when she cries at night. I told myself this is just a preparation for you. When I told you this, you said that would not be a problem because her cries would not wake you up.

But why is it so sad when I’ve been successful putting you into your own bed tonight? My heart is telling me to go back and just insert myself beside your twin bed, hope for the best, and expect to wake up with some body soreness. But then my brain which is the more logical part of me is just saying “just kiss him good night, tell him you love him and then go”. I thought that this would be enjoyable, Elon – having my me time. But what do I do with it without you? We could have been playing letters, or your silly games, or “talking about things” as you would say. You are always so full of life, so sweet, so loving, my sweet boy. I pray you would never change these parts of you.

This would be your last birthday as our “only child”. I always tell your dad to soak up the moments and listen to you when you ask. I tell him he should fulfill your requests because somehow things will change once your sister is born. I also try to revel in these moments that you are still my only child. I purposely “baby” you as your dad would put it. I purposely feed you even when I know you can do it by yourself. I wake you earlier so I can cuddle with you longer before your class. I keep you all to myself so I can remember these times that it was mostly just you and me. I thank God for these moments. I thank God for letting me work from home (even when I complain about it) because then I get to see you everyday. I pray you would not feel any differently once your little sister comes because I want you to understand nothing between us changes. I know I would have more love to give to both of you. And I know you have a lot more love to share and spare for your little sister because you are exactly like that – full of love, full of sensitivity. My sweetheart, my baby boy, I am always yours. Please remember that you will always be the best boy in mama’s heart.

I love you so much, Elon. Happy 5th birthday.

-Mama